“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
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I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Grandpa
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview
THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.