“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
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Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money
Sounds about right! 💯
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