“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
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Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Gods work.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.