“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
