“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
