Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?

One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.

Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?

If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.

Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog

But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?

Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?

Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.

Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET

“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?

Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?

STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—

CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.

I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary

Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.

Hamburger Hinderer.

If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame