Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?

“pew, pew, pew!”

-me, pointing out seating options in a church

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.

I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.

Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.

“You looked stressed”

Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”

I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.

Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby

DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A

DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it

Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣

Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night

My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture

seems like a niche market

*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!

Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.

Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

[At the Dr]

Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.

Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.

if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.