We watched Flight of the Navigator and my son asked if I had seen it before. I told him I saw it in the theater when it came out. “SERIOUSLY?!?” he asked. I said “yeah…why are you shocked?” and he goes, “Oh, sorry, I just never know what kind of technology y’all had back then.”
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Put this video in the Louvre
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
more water
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
