We watched Flight of the Navigator and my son asked if I had seen it before. I told him I saw it in the theater when it came out. “SERIOUSLY?!?” he asked. I said “yeah…why are you shocked?” and he goes, “Oh, sorry, I just never know what kind of technology y’all had back then.”
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
More like Kate Missington.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
