We watched Flight of the Navigator and my son asked if I had seen it before. I told him I saw it in the theater when it came out. “SERIOUSLY?!?” he asked. I said “yeah…why are you shocked?” and he goes, “Oh, sorry, I just never know what kind of technology y’all had back then.”
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
