Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I should sleep.

Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”

Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.

What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?

can’t wait til they legalize outside

JOKER: Why so serious

ME: Have you seen the news?

JOKER: Ok fair

Childbirth is so beautiful

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”

My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it

Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem

Church: time to come back

Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK

Church: not you

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die

BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom

ME: uh yes, actually, I have

BULLY: Damn

ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone

You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge

Driving class: 10 and 2

Real life: 7 and french fries

wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.

Me: Want some trail mix?

Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.

Me: It’s homemade.

Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet

Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.

me: I quit my job as a waiter

wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?

me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda