Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”

And just like that, civilisation reached its limits

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

Multitask? I can barely unitask

Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.

Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!

the only organized thing in my life is crime

*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.

Him: Are you always this socially awkward?

Me: Only when I’m in my human form.

Him: So always.

[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!

You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u

Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)

Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.

Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios

*one of those scenarios turns out to be true

Me: I KNEW IT!

“Susan, will you marry me?”

“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”

Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.

Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”

We need to move

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.