we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
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You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
So I ate some gummy bears.
Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.
I ate exactly 37…
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.