we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
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sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.