We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
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I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.
indiana??? now they’re just making up states
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
