We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
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I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
a public service announcement
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*