We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
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Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.