we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
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BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video