we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
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I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs