we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
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The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
I walked into HomeGoods & didn’t grab a cart because I was only getting one thing.
Rookie move.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates