We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
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Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon