We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
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I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?