We went together like toothpaste and orange juice
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HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
i wish we could shoplift online
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
*pronounces patio like ratio
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No