We went together like toothpaste and orange juice
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I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.