Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[2025]

Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

medusa: look into my gaze

me:

dwayne johnson: did it do anything?

me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary

Finally, a door that understands me

In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.

My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.

I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!

I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back

Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.

Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.

If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

Squid Pro Quo

Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

Legacy implies the existence of armacy.

You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.

Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

I’m having an out of money experience.

I’m a champion of grammar;

A grampion, if you will.

Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land