Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

Him: I’m an animal person

Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.

Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes

“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people

“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.

Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk

Poltergeist: throws dishes

Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.

Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.

Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.

them: it’s carl with a K

me: oh ok hi cark

Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.

Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

[restaurant]

ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny

WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?