Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Star Wars Episode VII scene]

Princess Leia: I love you Han.

Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*

You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.

And that about sums it up.

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks

Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.

“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”

“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft

My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.

Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.

My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush

I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

Random dm guy: What are you wearing?

Me: A scathing look of disdain

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”

F Bombs for everyone! 😃

Yeah. This was me today.

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome