We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
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I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.