We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
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[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…