We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
You Might Also Like
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Yes, this is exactly right
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.