We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
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You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
WTF
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
no
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.