Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst

Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,

Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.

Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him

I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early

[12 hours without eating]

Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry

“Come out of your shell” they said

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.

How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.

There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree

Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.

son: dad, can you spell upside down?

dad: yes but it does make me dizzy

Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.

Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.

Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?

I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.

HER: i’m leaving you

HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?

HER: both

HIM: [under breath] inconceivable

Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.

My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.