We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
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Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
At least my masseuse has my back.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Hey I worked for it too!
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
My age is news to me every single time I remember
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)