Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.

7: dad can you help me with this math problem

me: sure

me: [sees it] nope.

The math problem:

If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads

Doritos – my own personal love triangles.

I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.

[funeral]

Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?

*sliding it off his finger*

Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away

My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands

eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*

– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.

[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.

Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated

Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.

observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically

If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.

Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.