“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
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Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Covert ops
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Potatoes were such a good idea
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are