we were doing a cousins pic and we did one that included my cousins’ partners and our pizza got delivered while we were taking it and i jokingly said “invite him in so he can be my boyfriend for the pic”
and my aunt ASKED HIM to and brought him inside & he did the pic 😭😭😭😭😭
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
If looks could kill
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
