we were doing a cousins pic and we did one that included my cousins’ partners and our pizza got delivered while we were taking it and i jokingly said “invite him in so he can be my boyfriend for the pic”
and my aunt ASKED HIM to and brought him inside & he did the pic 😭😭😭😭😭
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
