we were doing a cousins pic and we did one that included my cousins’ partners and our pizza got delivered while we were taking it and i jokingly said “invite him in so he can be my boyfriend for the pic”
and my aunt ASKED HIM to and brought him inside & he did the pic 😭😭😭😭😭
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Who knew!
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
