We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
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doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
no such thing as a dumb question
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay