We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
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Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy