We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
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My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
Looking at you, Jesus.
Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
throat sock season is upon us.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
When it comes to depression, sighs matters