Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?

*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles

Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined

Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.

Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?

Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?

Wife: What?

Me: What?

Communication is hard

I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.

It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST

Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want

“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.

What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.

Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.

4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed

Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.

Loan Officer: Proposed name?

WP: Hamwitches

[long pause]

LO: Hell yes.

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.

Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.

I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.

Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.