We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
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SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
no way 😭
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
BRO LMFAO
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.