We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”
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Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
wow he looks just like him
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck