We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”
You Might Also Like
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Actually cracking up @ this
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette
My torso when sleeping: “Make it 96 degrees and toasty please”
My arms and legs while sleeping: “Is this hell? I think we’re in hell! Abandon all blankets”
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
