We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
