We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
bags with threatening auras
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
the red hot silly peppers
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
