We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
