We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
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I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Meow
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.