We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
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Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin
Let that sink in
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
