We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
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“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Bike for sale
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I’m so full I could puke a horse