We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
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She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.