We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
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*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
the saddest jazz hands ever
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me: