“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
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Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
NEW LAUNDRY RULES!
1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!
2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!
3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.