[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
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I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
LAWYER: where were you Oct 13th?
ME: alibi school
LAWYER: can u prove this?
ME: wait, the 13th?
ME: k no I was murdering that day
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
My doctor told me to start killing people.
Well not in those exact words. He said I need to reduce the stress in my life.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
I’m glad chocolate bars come with resealable packages, so I can eat half now, and the other half 1 minute from now.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING