“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
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Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF