We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
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I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
damn he’s good
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Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
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old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
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Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.