We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
so much to do
Me :
All Day At Night
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Investing in beetcoin
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
*deep inhale*
YOU TELLIN ME A GAR LICKED THIS BREAD!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
