We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
I like when they mic up hockey players because 95% is censoring beeps for swear words and then 5 percent is like “you’re a good dad I see you on Instagram you’re quite the family man eh”
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
