We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
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My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
What
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit