We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
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I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Why font matters.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.