Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket

me: can you just let me go with a warning this time

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no

E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.

Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years

[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda

[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy

Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.

I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying

Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious

That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.

I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.

Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.

ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me

Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.

Joseph Smith, 1833

Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

You sit there and think about what you’ve done

-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight

you: ant-man

me, an intellectual: uncle

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.

Wife: *falls in volcano*

Me: You ok, honey?

Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?

Me:

6:

Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.