We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
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*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth