We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
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God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
reminder
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Siri, fight Alexa.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Her: how are you still single?
Me: it’s easier than you think.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.