We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
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Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Just me and my debit card against the world
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.