We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
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[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Attacked by a mop.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.