We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
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‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.