We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
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It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Love this guy
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
wtf is an acronym
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?