We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
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Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse