Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.

My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.

Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.

Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.

probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!

CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother

FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always

CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.

When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them

I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.

New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.

Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.