Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”

My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner

I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you

fourth wiseman:

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*

SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork

Me: *taking an art appreciation class*

Instructor: Please bring my students back

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

What’s your superpower?

Spiderman: ummm, parkour.

Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart

Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.

Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*

Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?

Date: no I meant

Me: but the left lung only has two!

Date: not like th— wait, really?

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti

*orders delivery*

I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.

Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29

One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…

Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal