We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
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If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention