Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??

As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.

Waiter: what can I get you?

Me: I’ll have what she’s having

Her: two divorces then please

Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.

[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]

In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.

Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.

[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!

opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day

If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:

– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

Tracklist for Donda 2

1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D

You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.

I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love

Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:

Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

Some people come into our lives only briefly

Some touch our hearts and will always be with us

And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately

people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.

me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious

I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.

I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker